It happened to me again yesterday.
I was visiting the middle school when some of my former students walked into the library. They glanced at me as they walked in not giving me much notice. A few steps later, they stopped turned around and said, “Mrs. Hembree, what are you doing here?” I explained that their librarian and I were discussing some things. They nodded and went on their way.
Seeing my former students as they finished 8th grade, was not the problem. It’s awesome to see how they have grown and matured. The problem was that I couldn’t immediately access each person’s name from my memory bank. I wanted to be able to say, “Hey it’s great to see you Jane, Bob, Sue”, but instead I couldn’t fill in the name. I had to live with a generic greeting, which prompted the little voice in my head to begin the “You can’t even remember a student’s name from three years ago, what kind of teacher are you?” mantra.
What kind of teacher am I? If I can’t immediately recall every student’s name I’ve ever had over 28 years of teaching, does that mean I am less of a teacher than others? Am I a fraud?
The end of the school year is a vulnerable time for teachers. We’re almost to the finish line, yet the challenge in the last few weeks is like running the 50 yard dash every single day. I can’t speak for everyone else, but I know I’m reviewing the year’s library lessons and wondering if I have taught the topics the students need this year. Could I have done better? How can I change things to improve my program?
At the same time, I’m trying to get grades done, collect all the library books, finish the inventory, hold the summer used book sale and generally get the library ready for the summer. Once one item on the to-do list is crossed off, another takes its place. May and June should be named the time of the never ending task list.
I was meeting with a colleague recently and we were talking about the ups and downs of the school year. It doesn’t really matter what subject or grade you teach, we all feel the same way. We are tired and our positive energy barely measures on any scale. For me, this is when I beat myself up the most and begin feeling like I’ve been deceiving my students because I can see my weaknesses more than my strengths.
What if someone finds out that I know a lot about technology, but don’t have near the skillset of someone else? Numerous librarians post book reviews long before the book has even been officially published. Others have makerspaces or create book trailers that earn national acclaim. If it’s not happening the same way for me, what does that mean?
The answer is absolutely nothing.
What I do is good enough and in some circumstances, may borderline on really good. I cherish those moments when a student walks into the library and announces that she has finished her third complete book series this year. I think I can take some credit on helping her become a passionate reader. We are our own worst critics and comparisons to others isn’t healthy…ever.
When I shared my fears with my colleague, she quickly reminded me that we all have gifts. None of us are perfect. We each need to look inside ourselves to find our gifts and celebrate the positive. She’s right. When we are vulnerable and worn down, it’s time to find the brightness in ourselves and not let the muck take us down.
So, to answer my question, “Am I a fraud?” the answer is no for me and for every other teacher who is feeling the weight of the school year. While it’s easy to sink down in the hole, now is the time to re-acquaint ourselves with what we do well. We need to remind ourselves of our purpose for being teachers. We are making a difference for our students, and really, that’s all that matters.
This. All of this.
Last summer I started subscribing to and reading all kind of school librarian blogs (including yours!). I got lots of great ideas, but I also saw all of the amazing things many librarians were doing that I was not doing. And I started to come down on myself, hard. I actually got really panicky and depressed about how inadequate I was compared to “everyone” else out there. Finally, a friend said, “You have got to stop reading those blogs. A lot of those people have far more resources, different scheduling, and a lot more experience than you do. You cannot compare yourself to them. You are a fantastic school librarian so stop beating yourself up.” Stopping reading those blogs on a regular basis made a huge improvement in my self-esteem. Now I will check in every once in awhile (like today), but I try to remember that, like you said, “What I do is good enough and in some circumstances, may borderline on really good.” I’m much happier because of it.
Erin,
When I wrote this piece, I really wasn’t sure anyone would read it. It turns out I was wrong and I am so happy that you responded. When I feel this much emotion about a topic I generally find that I’m not the only person feeling this way. There’s a lot of librarians out there in cyberland who struggle with workplace comparisons. The good part of social media is you can learn about amazing things happening in libraries. That is also the bad part because it stirs up that evil voice inside ourselves. I struggle with it all the time, and I am learning to be okay with what I do. What we do is wonderful and awesome and fantastic for our students. Thanks for showing me that I’m not alone.
Come back and visit sometime and let’s keep ourselves real.
Julie
Dear Julie,
Thank you for such a thoughtful post. It is the time of year where there is so much going on and so little time. Emotions are running high as the stress takes a toll…there is also the emotion of a chapter closing. The relationships we build with our students are special and as the year ends, we know the relationships will never be quite the same.
I don’t know why it is so easy to look at what we don’t know or didn’t do or should have completed rather than what we do know and what we did complete.
Your friend is right. “None of us are perfect. We each need to look inside ourselves to find our gifts and celebrate the positive.” There are many gifts to celebrate!
I also find this idea helpful…If you have to compare, compare yourself to where you once were. Julie, you have come so far and have made such a difference in so many people’s lives…mine included! That’s what matters.
Looking forward to some lake time this year with Mr. Yollis and Buck and perhaps a good book or two. Of course, a little prep for next year…that never ends!
Your friend,
Linda Yollis
Dear Linda,
My mom or grandmother (don’t remember which one) told me a long time ago that there will always be someone smarter, skinnier, and richer (the list goes on). To constantly “follow the Joneses” is nonsense. Their advice from pre-social media days still applies.
I have come a long way from being terrified of technology and needing my hand held to open a word document. I’m comfortable with it and deep down know what what I do is important and just right for me. You have been instrumental in showing me how blogging works. This one is evolving into something different than it was and I’m okay with that.
Taking the risk of traveling 10,000 miles alone is a HUGE step for me. No room for anything but finding the positives this summer! I hope you have some relaxing lake time. It sounds heavenly. Do you remember the photo you sent one summer of you floating in a round raft reading a book? My visions of you this summer have a lot of water, splashes from Buck and a super support system.
Enjoy!
Mrs. Hembree,
I like how you aren’t afraid to ask yourself these questions. I think when we ask these questions of ourselves and can soul search in a truthful manner that IS what makes us great. That inner inventory we sometimes take is necessary, don’t you think? I’m not a ‘teacher’ teacher but a ‘Mom’ teacher and I’m often second guessing myself. Why? Because I care about my ‘job’ and I care about my ‘student’. The reason you are so amazing (truly), is that after 28 years you are not complacent, you continue to ask and grow and care.
BTW: I think at the end of the school year you would be hard pressed to find teachers that remember their OWN name, much less the name of a student from years back ; )
Judy
Dear Judy,
I am laughing right now at your last sentence. Isn’t that the truth?! I tried to make a to-do list today and gave up because I couldn’t find the pad of paper through the piles of work. Oh well…
I will always take that inner inventory, but maybe with a kinder perspective!
Julie
Each day I put on my Cloak of Positivity, but sometimes it’s a struggle to put on my cloak when I feel ground down by my workload; the weight of personal expectations or doubts about my effectiveness as a teacher librarian.
Like Erin, I am not engaging with social media as much as I was feeling overwhelmed when I saw things others were doing in their libraries and it’s so hard not to make comparisons. In fact there were times when I felt almost paralysed by feelings of inadequacy. Yes, I’d love our library to be a Learning Commons and have an amazing Makerspace, and to teach creative and innovative lessons all the time….and the list goes on. However, my current reality won’t allow for some of these to happen and I’m learning to stop beating myself up about it. I keep reminding myself that I’m ‘doing the best I can’ and to focus on the things I can do well for my students and to find the ‘joys’ each day in our library…
I’m relieved to know that someone like you who inspires me can also feel this way at times.
I hope the end of your year goes smoothly Julie and you reach the end of that never ending To-Do list! Hang in there because Africa and a wonderful adventure awaits…
Kim 🙂
Dear Kim,
There has been such a great response to the post. It’s been comforting to know that I am not the only person who struggles with feeling overwhelmed, full of doubts, and worries that I am not doing enough. Just this week, I was sad that I couldn’t be at the ISTE conference in Philadelphia with the other 20,000 attendees. However, social media has kept me part of it (FREE) and I’ve learned lots from the comfort of my own couch!
School has been out for a couple weeks and I’m slowly relaxing. No, I never finished the to-do list. Is there ever an end to it? Who cares! I shoved it in a drawer and it will be there in the fall when I return.
Now is the time to be excited about the future and that big I’m about to embark upon! Woo-hoo!
Take care and keep it real!
Julie
Dear Mrs Hembree,
I read your blog post with such a feeling of wanting to give you a huge hug all the way down under.
I understand where you are coming from but please don’t over think things when it comes to you and your job.
I feel you do much an amazing job for example you wrote how the children walked in and greeted you with your name. That to me shows me that you are making a difference. I also work with many children and often come home thinking did I make a difference in their day and I can honestly say yes. I go to my job now with the idea if one child greets me I have made a difference.
You are an amazing person and you have made a difference you may not think you have but you really have. You now need to realize and believe it and the rest will follow.
From your pal down under,
AA
Dear AA,
I took a little time off from the blog with the craziest of the end of the year, so I apologize I haven’t responded earlier. I’ve been doing some housecleaning and came across a book that a student gave me in 2009. I remember this student quite well as he really had some difficulties in school and could be challenging at times. At the end of the year, he and his mom stopped by the library to give me this book called, One. It’s filled with quotes related to the theme “how many people does it take to make a difference”. Reading over this book and absorbing some of the messages is filling my bucket again.
Thank you so much for your support. You are my beloved down under cheerleader!
Julie