It happened to me again yesterday.
I was visiting the middle school when some of my former students walked into the library. They glanced at me as they walked in not giving me much notice. A few steps later, they stopped turned around and said, “Mrs. Hembree, what are you doing here?” I explained that their librarian and I were discussing some things. They nodded and went on their way.
Seeing my former students as they finished 8th grade, was not the problem. It’s awesome to see how they have grown and matured. The problem was that I couldn’t immediately access each person’s name from my memory bank. I wanted to be able to say, “Hey it’s great to see you Jane, Bob, Sue”, but instead I couldn’t fill in the name. I had to live with a generic greeting, which prompted the little voice in my head to begin the “You can’t even remember a student’s name from three years ago, what kind of teacher are you?” mantra.
What kind of teacher am I? If I can’t immediately recall every student’s name I’ve ever had over 28 years of teaching, does that mean I am less of a teacher than others? Am I a fraud?
The end of the school year is a vulnerable time for teachers. We’re almost to the finish line, yet the challenge in the last few weeks is like running the 50 yard dash every single day. I can’t speak for everyone else, but I know I’m reviewing the year’s library lessons and wondering if I have taught the topics the students need this year. Could I have done better? How can I change things to improve my program?
At the same time, I’m trying to get grades done, collect all the library books, finish the inventory, hold the summer used book sale and generally get the library ready for the summer. Once one item on the to-do list is crossed off, another takes its place. May and June should be named the time of the never ending task list.
I was meeting with a colleague recently and we were talking about the ups and downs of the school year. It doesn’t really matter what subject or grade you teach, we all feel the same way. We are tired and our positive energy barely measures on any scale. For me, this is when I beat myself up the most and begin feeling like I’ve been deceiving my students because I can see my weaknesses more than my strengths.
What if someone finds out that I know a lot about technology, but don’t have near the skillset of someone else? Numerous librarians post book reviews long before the book has even been officially published. Others have makerspaces or create book trailers that earn national acclaim. If it’s not happening the same way for me, what does that mean?
The answer is absolutely nothing.
What I do is good enough and in some circumstances, may borderline on really good. I cherish those moments when a student walks into the library and announces that she has finished her third complete book series this year. I think I can take some credit on helping her become a passionate reader. We are our own worst critics and comparisons to others isn’t healthy…ever.
When I shared my fears with my colleague, she quickly reminded me that we all have gifts. None of us are perfect. We each need to look inside ourselves to find our gifts and celebrate the positive. She’s right. When we are vulnerable and worn down, it’s time to find the brightness in ourselves and not let the muck take us down.
So, to answer my question, “Am I a fraud?” the answer is no for me and for every other teacher who is feeling the weight of the school year. While it’s easy to sink down in the hole, now is the time to re-acquaint ourselves with what we do well. We need to remind ourselves of our purpose for being teachers. We are making a difference for our students, and really, that’s all that matters.